Of all the weird shit people get addicted to: writing wizard-themed children’s books, stocking up on tinned food, licking Lego pieces… being addicted to sex seems pretty tame. Victor Mancini (Sam Rockwell) is a sex-addicted scammer who works as a “historical interpreter” and is trying to work out his father’s identity through his deranged mother. Choke is based on a novel that was written by the same guy who wrote Fight Club.  It’s a film full of dysfunction, perversity and a whole lot of sex. It’s worth your $15 ticket just to hear one of the more freaky sex addicts say, “A lot of people would say it's a bad idea, on your first day out of prison, to go right back to stalking the trannie hooker that knocked out five of your teeth. But that's how I roll.“

Aside from Monday morning at 3am after gallivanting about all day at Parklife, I hadn’t had two minute noodles since my short lived Maggi two-minute noodle obsession in year eight, which begun when my friend showed me how you mix in the flavour sachet with boiling water before adding it to the noodles (which was a revelation to my sprinkle-flavour-sachet-on-after-adding-water world). So when I reached for the faithful yellow Maggi packet from the back of the pantry the other night, you can imagine the sense of nostalgia I felt after a seven-year hiatus. But something was different. This time two sachets fell out of the packet. TWO SACHETS. For a moment I thought I had got lucky and got two packets of flavouring as a mistake. But I was wrong. It was a sachet of vegetables. Or little orange things that resembled carrot and one pea cut into about sixteen slithers. Seriously! Vegetables in two-minute noodles… If there was one recipe I thought would be guaranteed to never change – it’d be two minute noodles. How long has this been happening? And since when were they baked not fried? Is it acceptable to admit you eat two-minute noodles these days?

If you thought Tupperware was a cult ever since your mum gave up her job to sell over-priced coloured plastic to store left-overs in, wait to you see Beyond Our Ken. You might have heard about the Australian cult-group Kenja Communications after recent lawsuits citing sexual and emotional abuse during “energy conservation” sessions. Beyond Our Ken, involved recent Victorian College of the Arts graduate, Luke Walker joining the cult for six months to find out the intricacies of the group, and then making a documentary about it with Melissa Maclean. It’s disturbing, shocking and hilarious. It’s screening in Melbourne at the moment and is also available on DVD. The founders of the organization, Ken Dyers and Jan Hamilton are in this film, and just to paint a picture, I’d rather be stuck in a room with five million cockroaches the size of your forearm than these two freaks. See the movie to know why. It’s pretty obvious.

If you see me gnawing at and/or slowly devouring my bedroom walls from this weekend onwards let me tell you now, it’s not because my body is craving plaster and dried up blu-tack from when I decided to cover my room with Tazos. It’s because I’m painting my room a delectable shade of Iced Vovo. Dulux hooked me in by naming their paint colours after that famous “pink fondant either side of a strip of strawberry jam and sprinkled with coconut” (according to the Iced Vovo page on Wikipedia which I may or may not be the main contributor to).  But seriously how much pulling power does the name of a colour of paint have when choosing the shade for your bedroom walls? If I was in the market for a crisp white bucket of paint for my minimalist bedroom, no questions asked I’d pick Mexican Milk over White Watsonia any day. Purple gal? I’d recommend Astro Zinger or for a more subdue choice, try Fiddlesticks. If you want to liven things up with yellow you could swing by Cowardly Custard or even a nice shade of Garfield slapped on your wall. If you don’t have a sweet tooth and a bucket of liquid Iced Vovo doesn’t tempt you, there is always the savoury version called Slippery Salmon to fall back on. Dulux caters for everyone.

It’s kind of like saying “Wholemeal Bread: The Movie” or “Pencil Sharpenings: The Movie” isn’t it? Not really edge of your seat viewing… Already I’m thinking clogged inboxes with tagged photo notifications, friend requests from people you forgot existed and a whole stack of werewolf notifications (in movie form). The fact that it’s going to be written by the guy who created The West Wing does nothing for me either. (I don’t actually know what The West Wing is, I just know that it’s got a cast of mainly old men and is probably similar to all twenty-seven Law & Orders on offer judging by a picture I saw at a bus stop once). You know it’s going to be a great movie when the guy who’s writing it, Aaron Sorkin, doesn’t even have Facebook yet. He actually created a Facebook page this week to find out “how this works”. I think the only possible good thing that may come out of this movie would be that in order to review it properly; David and Margaret might have to get Facebook accounts. And then I can add them as friends and make them accept, decline or “maybe” their attendance to movie nights at my house.

The closest I have come to owning a designer teddy bear is when I got a Doodle Bear for my ninth birthday. You know the ones where you were invited to “doodle on the bear over and over again” with washable markers? “Designer” as in yeah I could write swear words on it; yes, but “designer” as in high fashion couture; no. This is where the Karl Lagerfeld teddy steps in. The famous fashion designer has had German teddy bear maker Steiff create a bear that resembles himself in appearance. Complete with trademark dark suit and dark sunglasses. They will retail at US$1500 which is roughly the same amount of money you can expect to pay for a Doodle Bear at Big W.